The Giant of Loneliness

"Lonely. I'm so Lonely. I have nobody to call my own."

This is NOT the kind of loneliness this post is about.  Now that you have that song stuck in your head, you may proceed.

I've been trying to untangle my thoughts on this for more than a few weeks now, trying to sort things out, how it started, what needs to change, and if I'm just delusional.  I haven't decided on that last one yet.

Getting married was a great decision.  I don't regret it and naturally I would do it again (to the same person of course).  I married my best friend and now I have access to that friend any time (all the time).  We laugh everyday, I tell him everything, and we're the goofiest people ever.

But I am so lonely.

What the heck.  This is NOT how this is supposed to be.  I married my best friend, I have friends that I work with, friends in the community, and my family is only a short drive away.  What is going on?

I think moving had a lot to do with it.  If you've heard me talk about Rochester at all, you know that I loathe the snow with every fiber of my being.  It was practically a frozen hell for 9 months out of the year if you ask me. Four years of pure torture.  But everything I came to know and love is within an hour of that city.  Almost every person I consider a true, true friend lives there.  Elim is there and some of my old classmates are there (and unless your one of them it's hard to understand what we've all been through).  My favorite coffee shops are there.  Heck, at least there ARE coffee shops there.  Did you know it's almost an hour to Starbucks from where I live now?  That should be illegal.

I am not physically lonely, my heart is lonely.

It's weird, I even felt lonely over the summer when everyone was here.  Admitingly, I felt left out. But I guess marriage makes things a little weird when everyone goes out for a midnight run for food and no one wants to steal me from Jude.  I understand, things change.  Change isn't always bad.  But man, it doesn't always feel good.

I miss my other best friend, Sara, more than anything else.  You still need friends after you get married, ya know? But the kind of friendship we have isn't built overnight (if you can't build Rome in a day, I don't know HOW you would build a friendship like ours in even a month!) and we've been through hell and back with each other.  It is heart wrenching to know that I am now missing some of the most awesome times of her life.  I tried to convince my hubby that we should buy a Duplex and live next to each other, but it seems I'm the only one in love with that idea.

I'm tired of being lonely.  As I say to Jude, "my sads just won't go away."  Like I said, I'm not physically lonely so hanging out with more people or going more places isn't really helping me at all.  It doesn't help that now I feel like our kitty is one of my bestest friends (oh no, am I a crazy cat lady?!?!) and he's sick.  We can't have anyone over until he's better, but our apartment is small enough that dinner at our place is pretty much out of the question anyway.  My nesting/hosting instincts have been crushed.  Perhaps I AM delusional, but I think I just need more of Jesus.

He has something for us here, right now, in this utter chaos around me and I need to tap into it.  When I do, I won't care that a Peppermint Mocha Frappachino is out of my grasp, that I'm far away from the one's I love, or that I don't have everything I have hoped, dreamed, and prayed for.  I need to see the whole picture.

I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way and I'm always amazed by how many people are going through similar situations without even knowing it. I haven't shared these intimate thoughts with you hoping for a pity party. I throw enough of those on my own, thanks.  But hopefully, those of us who are going through this can come together and say, "I'm not alone."  I will conquer this giant with Jesus on my side.  Whatever you're going through, I hope you do to.

Now, please enjoy some Aretha Franklin :)