The Giant of Loneliness

"Lonely. I'm so Lonely. I have nobody to call my own."

This is NOT the kind of loneliness this post is about.  Now that you have that song stuck in your head, you may proceed.

I've been trying to untangle my thoughts on this for more than a few weeks now, trying to sort things out, how it started, what needs to change, and if I'm just delusional.  I haven't decided on that last one yet.

Getting married was a great decision.  I don't regret it and naturally I would do it again (to the same person of course).  I married my best friend and now I have access to that friend any time (all the time).  We laugh everyday, I tell him everything, and we're the goofiest people ever.

But I am so lonely.

What the heck.  This is NOT how this is supposed to be.  I married my best friend, I have friends that I work with, friends in the community, and my family is only a short drive away.  What is going on?

I think moving had a lot to do with it.  If you've heard me talk about Rochester at all, you know that I loathe the snow with every fiber of my being.  It was practically a frozen hell for 9 months out of the year if you ask me. Four years of pure torture.  But everything I came to know and love is within an hour of that city.  Almost every person I consider a true, true friend lives there.  Elim is there and some of my old classmates are there (and unless your one of them it's hard to understand what we've all been through).  My favorite coffee shops are there.  Heck, at least there ARE coffee shops there.  Did you know it's almost an hour to Starbucks from where I live now?  That should be illegal.

I am not physically lonely, my heart is lonely.

It's weird, I even felt lonely over the summer when everyone was here.  Admitingly, I felt left out. But I guess marriage makes things a little weird when everyone goes out for a midnight run for food and no one wants to steal me from Jude.  I understand, things change.  Change isn't always bad.  But man, it doesn't always feel good.

I miss my other best friend, Sara, more than anything else.  You still need friends after you get married, ya know? But the kind of friendship we have isn't built overnight (if you can't build Rome in a day, I don't know HOW you would build a friendship like ours in even a month!) and we've been through hell and back with each other.  It is heart wrenching to know that I am now missing some of the most awesome times of her life.  I tried to convince my hubby that we should buy a Duplex and live next to each other, but it seems I'm the only one in love with that idea.

I'm tired of being lonely.  As I say to Jude, "my sads just won't go away."  Like I said, I'm not physically lonely so hanging out with more people or going more places isn't really helping me at all.  It doesn't help that now I feel like our kitty is one of my bestest friends (oh no, am I a crazy cat lady?!?!) and he's sick.  We can't have anyone over until he's better, but our apartment is small enough that dinner at our place is pretty much out of the question anyway.  My nesting/hosting instincts have been crushed.  Perhaps I AM delusional, but I think I just need more of Jesus.

He has something for us here, right now, in this utter chaos around me and I need to tap into it.  When I do, I won't care that a Peppermint Mocha Frappachino is out of my grasp, that I'm far away from the one's I love, or that I don't have everything I have hoped, dreamed, and prayed for.  I need to see the whole picture.

I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way and I'm always amazed by how many people are going through similar situations without even knowing it. I haven't shared these intimate thoughts with you hoping for a pity party. I throw enough of those on my own, thanks.  But hopefully, those of us who are going through this can come together and say, "I'm not alone."  I will conquer this giant with Jesus on my side.  Whatever you're going through, I hope you do to.

Now, please enjoy some Aretha Franklin :)

What I've Learned in Housekeeping: Murdering Your Husband

"Friends are there from talking you down from killing your husband."

I remember exactly where I was standing in the duplex when I heard those words at the end of a conversation I had totally missed (don't you always hear the best things when that happens?).  One of my co-workers was renovating a house with her husband and it was a stressful day.  Another housekeeper called her just in time to "talk her down" from dismembering her beloved husband.

Now truthfully, no one around is here is going to murder anyone else. Got it? Good. BUT if you're married (or if you have a family), you understand that sometimes you just want to kill each other.  I am sure that I will understand this more as the years go by, but even I understand this a little bit.

But that's what friends are for.

I will admit that since the summer ended I have been incredibly lonely (I hope to share some thoughts on this in the future) and I have come to truly appreciate the house keeping ladies as my friends.  I guess that means I wear "big girl panties" now because my friends have shifted from school-mates to co-workers.  I'm okay with that because I am fortunate enough to work with great women.

We all need friends.  It's a no-brainer.  But we still need friends when we grow up, get married, and move away.  This also seems like a no-brainer, but I think sometimes we neglect this.  How many Facebook friends do you have?  If you exclude family, how many people would TRULY be there for you if you needed them.  If you are fortunate, maybe you have about two dozen but most people don't.

We need each other.  I have found that it is really hard to find a good friend who will love you no matter what, stick by you through anything, and understand you enough to talk you down when you want to kill your husband.  They are the ones who will tell you when you have broccoli in your teeth or when you need an attitude adjustment.  Most of all, they know how to listen and just be quiet when your heart is breaking.  We need each other.

I am continuously learning the value of true friendship and I am privileged to say that my education on the subject has continued in housekeeping.  I have watched them send cards to old co-workers who lost a loved one, buy knick knacks for everyone's children's fundraisers, provide rides when no one else would, and stand by each other when times were really hard.   I love those ladies.

This one's for you housekeeping ladies.  I'm grateful to have you in my life and one day I'll need you to talk me down from killing my husband.

What I've Learned in Housekeeping: It's all about the angle

A few days ago I was on windexing duty and my fearless leader came over to let me know that I missed a spot.

"Where? I don't see it."
"Well, (laughing) you have to stand exactly where I am. Come over here."
"Oh, yes. Got it."

This is a common routine.  At least a few times a day I find myself running to ever angle in the bathroom I'm cleaning to make sure I didn't miss a spot on the mirror. If you're cleaning a kitchen, sometimes you can only see the grease on the front of the stove if you stand near the door.

It's all about the angle.

Life is all about perspective.

I like to think that I'm a pretty cool, down to earth person. But in reality, I tend to be selfish.  If I had to take a guess, I would say that you can be pretty selfish too. We all can be. All of us.  It's part of human nature. We tend to put ourselves first, think about the things we desire, and even pray about what we want most.  For me, right now I have one particular thing I'm praying for everyday and I'm almost getting sick of myself because its just material.  I could be praying for friends, family, the persecuted, the hungry, my husband, or tons of things, but instead I am praying for that one thing that I want.  I'm not saying that's wrong because God does care about what we care about and we do need thing, but sometimes we need to look at life from a different angle.

Are you going through a hard time? You're not alone.  There are thousands of people who are probably feeling like you do, history is full of stories like yours, and there are many in the world who are worse off. It's ok to feel pain, sadness, and loneliness-especially if it's part of a grieving process. But don't stay there.  Change you're perspective and see life from a different angle.

King David knew how to do this.  Even though he had slayed Goliath and was anointed King as a teenager, his life wasn't easy.  He was run out of town, the current King wanted to murder him and his best friend was killed.  Even after he became King he still made mistakes (Bathsheba anyone?) that led to heartbreak and his own son tried to overthrow him.  Yet he says,

My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, "Where is your God?" These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festival throng.  Why, my soul, are you downcast? And why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.


He told his soul to hope in God.  He made himself see it from a different perspective. Sometimes that's what it takes.  We have to step out to change our angle, the same way my fearless leader asked me to walk to the other side of the room to see the smudge on the window.

Life is all about perspective and we can all use an adjustment sometimes.

What I've Learned in Housekeeping: Never Say Never

Justin Bieber did not coin this phrase and I will not allow him to monopolize it.  There will no more in this post about the Biebs.

One thing that I learned while House-cleaning is that if you scrub anything long enough, hard enough, and with the right product it will get clean. This wasn't necessary a fun lesson to learn, but I have learned it a number of times and I still am.  Countless times I have called for my fearless leader to tell them that the spot simply wouldn't come out, only for them to ask "Did you scrub it? What did you scrub it with? How long did you scrub?" And in a jiffy they would whip out a product I hadn't yet tried and begin the process of scrubbing for the next couple minutes.  Sure enough, the spot would come out.  I am constantly the only one in awe of this phenomenon (probably because they've done this 2 million times).

This lesson, however, can apply not only to the grease on the cabinets but to life in general.

Anything that you will to accomplish, it is possible if you are patient, persevere, and have the correct help.

This might not be a life goal .  It could be your desire to defeat loneliness, end a bad habit, reconcile a broken relationship, or any other number of things.  You might have a spot in your life that you want to get out. Or you might have a dream that you want to come true but seems impossible.  Maybe you want to be a nurse (like me), travel to a different country (perhaps live there), do something extraordinary, have a family, or anything else.  All things are possible.

Life is not easy and when we try to accomplish something there will be obstacles.  We already know this.  The real question is what it takes for us to give up.  How much will it take for you to give in?  In my case of scrubbing the floor, it takes me about 2 minutes to see no change and give up.  But that didn't accomplish the goal and it could have been done.  Will you give up on your goal after a few things go wrong? What if people turn against you? What if you get hurt physically or emotionally?  What if what you thought would take months ends up taking a decade? And you see no change?

We must be patient.  You may have heard that good things come to those who wait.  I guess that's true, but I don't think patience is as effective if it lacks perseverance or endurance.  I kinda think the two go hand in hand.  You can scrub a floor hard, but if you give up too soon the job doesn't get done.  You can scrub a floor for ten years but if you do it with the force of a feather you won't get very far.  Patience means you can wait, but perseverance and endurance means that you keep the strength you started with and you finish strong.  Do not waver even when you don't see progress.  Things are changing.

IF you have the right help.  I have learned a lot about which products clean what kind of dirt and what kind of surfaces (making many mistakes along the way, especially when it comes to Mr. Muscle eating away at counter-tops).  In life, you need the right help.  Every single person will fail you.  Even a best friend, a parent, and a spouse.  We doubt each other, even the ones we love - it's human nature.  But there is someone who will never fail us, leave us, who dreams bigger dreams that we dream for ourselves and will stand by us until the very end.  His name is Jesus and with Him all things are possible.  Giants fall- hearts, souls, bodies, and minds are made whole- relationships are reconciled-all things are made new-all things are possible.  Maybe you're reading this and saying, "you don't understand my pain" or "but my dream really isn't possible with the financial problems I have."  I don't know your pain, but Jesus died on the cross so that we can bring our pain to Him and He can heal us and make us whole.  I don't know what your situation is, but nothing is too difficult for God.  Be patient. Persevere. Endure. And seek the Lord.  He is your help and He wants to see you finish strong.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. "-Matthew 6:33

What I've Learned in Housekeeping: Intro

During the Children's Ministry "off-season" at BMCR, I have the privilege of working in the housekeeping department.  I say privilege because it really is.  Not only do I happen to enjoy cleaning, but I work with the most amazing women.  I consider them friends (more like family) and really admire each of them. They are what makes my job great.

In honor of them and the time that I am spending in the Housekeeping department, I have decided to start a series on the things that I have learned in Housekeeping.  It's a lot, but I'm going to narrow it down to the life-changers (which is also a good handful).

On most days, I am the youngest member of the team and at first this was a little awkward, but now I embrace it.  These ladies have lived life and have wells of wisdom that I can draw from.  I try to take every opportunity to learn something from them- whether it be about love, raising children, paying bills, the best vet in town, losing a loved one or about how to get the spots off the kitchen floor.  It's funny, even getting spots off the kitchen floor somehow teaches me a good life lesson (and builds muscles like Arnold).

I hope that you check back often to find out what I've learned in housekeeping :)

Remember, we all have a story to tell and everyone is fighting a tough battle.  It is easy to complain about our situations (guilty as charged), but we can learn from them and we can learn from others.  My life is richer because of the Housekeeping ladies and I am so thankful for them!

Back to School/Changing my Major

As some of you know, this past January I went back to school...again.  After graduating both from Elim Bible Institute and Roberts Wesleyan College, I am now on the road to completing another adventure at Lehigh Carbon Community College (LCCC).  "What in the world are you going to school for now?" you may ask.  Simple: Nursing.

Sharing this news with people frequently leads to questions about why I'm changing my major, how this is a different path, and perhaps I'm losing my focus.

I'm writing this entry to share with you the beginning of this journey and my heart on why I am pursuing a degree in Nursing.

On January 12, 2010 an earthquake rocked Haiti that left complete devastation.  Last year, Japan suffered an Earthquake, Tsunami, and Nuclear Meltdown.  Everyday there are men, women, and children all over the world being touched by famine, hardship, and lack of resources.  It breaks my heart.

I learned a few years ago that if you really want to get down to the passion in your heart, you have to find the things that move you.  Truth is, whatever you are doing, if it doesn't move you then it won't move anyone else either.  There are two things that I find utterly gut-wrenching.  The first, is the tragedy that countless children do not have access to an education.  I found myself in the Kuwait airport on my first trip to India with sobbing tears streaming down my face as I read the statistics of worldwide education in Sider's Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger: Moving from Affluence to Generosity.  They dream of being lawyers, doctors, teachers, fashion designers, scientists, and more just like the rest of us, but few have the chance to see those things become a reality.  It's simply not fair.  I am SO over-privileged to even be writing this blog about going to school when so many children do not have the means to meet their dreams. I took TESOL at Elim and I knew in that moment that if the opportunity ever arose for me to teach in a foreign country, I would.  I am not qualified by some standards, but someone who wants to learn how to write their name doesn't care about whether you have a Master's degree.  Think about it.

The second thing that breaks my heart is unequal wealth of healthcare.  People die every single day of perfectly treatable and even curable diseases; but they don't have access to help.  Whether it be a matter of location, money, or political corruption, this is an injustice.  Jude was watching a program the other day about children who were born with a cleft palate in a country in Western Africa.  The narrator said that there are only about 4-5 doctors in that specific country who can perform the surgery, yet there are over 180,000 children who need it.  My heart hit the floor.  Help is available.  Vaccines are available.  But for some reason, help isn't available.

I will not pretend that I'm some Saint on a crusade to end injustice.  I am just one little person whose heart breaks knowing that I have something others don't.  Knowing that I have been blessed with a million resources and opportunities and that I can help.

If you know me, I hope that by now you know that my heart has always been to travel to harsher parts of the world and bring hope.  But I am learning that it's hard to tell something that Jesus is the Bread of Life if they're starving and you don't feed them.  In Luke 10:9 Jesus says, "Heal the sick there and tell them, 'the Kingdom of God has come near to you.'"

I am not changing my major, taking a different path, or losing my focus.  I believe that it is the heart of God to help those that are in need and bring hope to the hopeless. We are His vehicle.  I am holding onto Luke 10:9 with my whole heart knowing, absolutely knowing, that I am supposed to go to nursing school.  It doesn't happen that often that a person knows with their whole being something that they're meant to do, and I don't want to forget why I'm starting this Journey. I still haven't received my letter on whether or not I was accepted into the program, but I am so sure of this step in my life that if I don't get in this year I will simply apply again.  It's not easy.  There are many days that I doubt whether or not I am capable of accomplishing this goal, but I know that with God all things are possible.  One day in the near future, I hope to be sitting in a field holding the hand of someone who is finally getting the medical help they need and being able to tell them about the tangible love of God.

If you made it to the end of this post, I hope that you find what drives you-the passion in your heart-and I hope that you follow it no matter what the cost.  You will not regret it.  One person can change the world by changing people's lives.  That's you. And me.  We're all in this together.

Pinterest Please!

If you are reading this and you do not know what Pinterest is, this is your lucky day!  If you do already know what this lovely site is, then I'm sure you will agree with me on how awesome it is.

Pinterest is a place where you can "pin" ideas and organize them.  It is not to be used like a bookmarks bar, but for inspiration.  Mine is filled with crafting ideas, recipes, and things that I just plain love.  I used it when collecting ideas for my wedding and now it helps me find new ideas for nesting.

If you are using Pinterest, USE it!  I try my best to look back at my pin boards from time to time to see if there's an idea I can use or a project that I can accomplish.  It's pretty much pointless to have Pinterest and then not actually do or create the things that inspire you.  The best part is, I don't think I'll ever run out of ideas :)

Here's some things inspiration that I took to heart and created my own (mine are not pictured, only the inspiration)

I made mine one for Christmas "let it snow" and one for V-day "love"

8 min mini rolls

Book Marks

Nautical Headband

I made heart coasters

Breakfast Muffins

And here are some that I am looking forward to creating in the near future :)

Pallet Table

Crocheted sheet rug

Map Art

Branch Hooks

Pebble Mat

Happy Pinning :)

The Diagnoses Part 1

For those of you who have been keeping up with my sick kitty, we had a "break through" this week.  Something finally got diagnosed and is no longer a mystery! Woohoo!

A little over a week ago, our little guy started limping on his right hind leg.  It seemed like just another thing to add to the list of problems and questions.  We ended up switching vets and I actually made a list of his symptoms and all of my questions because I'm ready for some answers.  I'm not Scooby Doo; over a month of mystery diagnoses is too much for me.  The limp went on the list and it is no longer a mystery!

Sir Santa Paws has a condition called Congential Patellar Luxation, which is common in small dogs and very large dogs, but a little rare in cats.  Essentially, the kneecaps in his back legs have a tendency to dislocate and spontaneously go back into position.  He was born with two "bum knees," but it went unnoticed because he was so little.  In cats, this condition shows up normally in the first year as their bones are growing and finding their adult positions.  For our little kitty, this means that his knee caps don't quite fit.  The vet assured us that while its uncomfortable for him, it's not painful and he will learn to walk without his kneecaps, so to speak.  It has been a little sad to watch him take three steps and have to lay down and stretch his legs (to pop his knee cap back in), but over this past week he has begun to run, jump, and play again.  Just today, he resumed stealing things from the kitchen table! It will take time for him to return to him normal kitty lifestyle, but he will be ok.  When he gets older, he will most likely have arthritis, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

This is how he sits when he's putting his knees back in place. STRETCH!

So there you have it, we have a "handicapped" cat.  I know that there are some people who would right away decide to euthanize such a cat and simply buy another one.  People who don't want to spend money as the cat gets older, and people who simply want a healthy cat. I know that there are people reading this right now saying, "this is dumb, it's just a cat."  Well, he's OUR cat.  The first little extension of my family and I loved him when his legs work so I'll love him when they don't.  The shelter we adopted him from rescued him from a  kill shelter in Philadelphia.  When we adopted him, this became his permanent home. Permanent.

How could you resist this face!

Anyway, we're still waiting on some results to determine what in the world is going on with his skin, but we're becoming more optimistic now that one mystery is off the table!

Being an Adult

Is no fun. Really. So overrated.

I had a hard time titling this blog entry.  The other day on the Radio, a lady asked "what was that defining moment that you realized you were an adult." I think I had mine this past Sunday when some college students were sitting in front of me at church laughing and carrying on seemingly without a care in the world.  Housed, fed, surrounded by friends, full of dreams, and endless possibilities.  I knew I had moved onto being an adult.

Being an adult means being responsible. Yuck.  Most people who know me might classify me as over-responsible, but real responsibility is draining.  Wake up. Go to work. Do dishes during break. Go back to work. Cook Lunch. Work. Put in some Laundry. Work. Come home. Cook/help cook dinner. More dishes. Homework. Bills. Bills. More bills. Pray the car doesn't break down. Oh, and go to class.

Ok, ok. It's not all THAT bad.  But whose idea was this "growing up" thing anyway?  My advice, live your life slowly, laugh loudly, and take chances.  I try to keep life a little fun since becoming an adult, but man I cannot wait until summer when its fun fun fun every day!  More than anything, I can't wait to be surrounded by people again. Can you believe that? ME wanting to be surrounded by people?  Things really are a'changin ;)

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being married, having our own place, and all those fun things that come along with growing up.  But for anyone out there whose in a hurry to grow up, please take your time!  You can get never get back those years in high school or college when you could dream freely and take any opportunity that comes your way.  It's natural to grow up and to try to be a "fun adult" and stretch the limits of societal norms, but enjoy your youth.  You only get it once.

And I only get this period of my life once too. I'm still young! So I'm gonna live it :)  I'm going to bake as much as I want and laugh as much as I want and enjoy having no children as much as I want!

Whatever stage of life you're in, don't let it slip by.  Enjoy every moment because this life is precious :)

P.S. Don't forget to plan for eternal life too! ;)